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My friend Jed knew the devasting way my old life had just come to a screeching halt. He recommended I meditate. The last thing I felt I could do was quiet my mind but I agreed. He sent me a link. Before signing onto Zoom I adjusted myself hoping I looked normal. I didn’t feel normal. All I felt was nervous. When the screen said the host would let me in soon, I thought of my old Studio 54 days and the velvet ropes holding back the masses and how the doormen would pick and choose among the crowd.
I waited. I hadn’t seen the prompt that said begin meditating so my eyes were open when the meeting began with a dark-haired man playing the piano. Several minutes went by and a different musician began drumming. I watched the icon at the bottom of the Zoom screen where it counts participants. More and more people signed in. There were over six hundred when the teacher appeared with his poof of black hair. He welcomed us and thanked us for our great service in being here.
“I’m not here to figure out your path, you’ll have to do that, he said. That’s what meditation is. It’s an investigation not relaxation or contemplation, that’s baby stuff. I sat up straight and took my first full breath in three months. He tapped his chest saying sit down here, behind the sternum, find your seat. I had never looked for a seat within myself before but when he said look for it, I found it, empty. How did I not know there was a seat within me that I was supposed to take. Let your heart be soft, he said, though mine was pounding. Let those shields that cover it simply drop away because those shields are the very trauma that you’ve already lived through and you’re holding onto them like a life raft to protect your heart when you need your heart to protect you.
That hit home.
He said opening from within the heart from your inner seat imagine big red boots on your feet with tubes or roots of ruby red or eggplant violet light finding their way deep into the center of the earth. To the mother of the world, the one who gives all we need. He recommended we ask permission to come to her for all she has to give us. That felt long overdue. I could see myself bowing before her and then the teacher said that her answer is always yes but everywhere there is protocol. That made sense and I’d never heard anyone talk of it.
I wasn’t just listening to what he saying I was absorbing it. From my inner seat after having taken my root journey to the mother we opened from within to the cosmic, the divine father. No vows to be taken just giving yourself permission to take your place.
I whispered the words I give myself to take my place.
He said in your heart you’ll find your greater nature. The pure emanation of who you are without the scars of history. Your greater nature has been sitting in meditation within you since your spiritual incarnation. Your land of milk and honey lies within you. There is no more waiting, he said now, give yourself permission to be held there and let yourself remain there. That other place where you were lacking anything is gone. You’re here now. Allow your greater nature, that vibrant luminous being that is the fullness of you, lead the way.
Let the heart be soft. Do not stand outside your material form waiting for some permission to enter, you are simply taking the deeper seat within. From within. There is no distance. The invitation is permanent. The door is open. It has never been closed. The agreement is simple. Just say yes to all that you are.
Clutching my duffel bag under my rain jacket, I dash from my truck toward a house that was built by Frankie, the man I’m here to give the last massage of his life.
I have known for decades that our thoughts affect our reality but I never found the gale force wind to blow me out of the boat of my negative and persistent patterns of thinking and behaving. I’ve used breath, affirmations, prayer, writing, exercises and countless other techniques to escape the traps set by my past and still I become that scared 10 year old over and over again.